I had hoped that things would change. I believe that was the flaw in the plan. I had failed to notice, the never changing smile, the ever open arms. Every request that I made had the unwavering response, "As you wish". I only looked for variations, mistakes, flaws and there were none.
I had failed to compare and be grateful for what I had. I could barely reflect on all that I gained. I was focused, too focused on finding the gap, preventing an inevitable loss. Because I was sure. I was sure that there will be loss, followed by numbing pain. The good times never last, I knew that to be a fact. "Things will change. I should be prepared." It had become my mantra. More truly the bane of my life.
First to disappear was the laughter. I suddenly noticed the silence and felt glad for the change.
Second symptom was the arrival of headaches. Throbbing and aching. They would last for hours.
It took me so long to realize, the "inevitable" loss was of my own making. He suffered as well at my silent rebuke. Unbelievably, even more than me. But he never shared. Never wavered in his smile. Even now if I would ask, he would still insist "I am always here for you".
Third blow was the disinterest. An unannounced and silent death of the heart. It would be minutes before I would notice he is home. There was no light in my eyes when he smiled. I was driving him away, testing his resolve and dying slowly as I killed his love in my own heart. It was deliberate and cruel. But I was helpless in the act, he was cooking dinner and was now always at home, trying to help me heal. I hated him.
Life was on a derailed trajectory as I was trapped in this mind numbing paralysis and It would have stayed its course, had she not come into our lives. Her smile used to make him smile. A real smile, so effortless. The way he used to smile at me. I wanted him back. All of him. I wanted to rush into his arms. Be reborn. Hold him till I cant breathe.
and then, I saw her too. So tiny and cuddled up in his arms. She looked at me ~ the color of my own eyes mirrored in its depths.
A sister I had found. And I had also found the trust, my 'Pa' would never change. He had love enough for both of us.
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The train was not as populated as one would imagine, given that it was a weekend and sun was out for a change. But i was not complaining, I ... -
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to J.K.Rowling and no copyright infringement is intended. A journey of a thousand miles It was only yest...
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He was sitting outside her door. Waiting. Fiddling with configurations of his digital wrist watch. Wishing, If time could move past.. ...
1 comment:
My first thought was- "how mean"! My second thought was- "ok, wait a minute, maybe there is more to it".
if you have read "The Prince" (one of my favs), it talks about how roses have thorns so that they can protect themselves. Sometimes we make ourselves worthy of dislike only because we want to defend ourselves. Against our past which might repeat, or against what we see around us.
I was at the TiE summit in mumbai last week, and there was a wonderful uneducated guy who spoke in broken English. He spoke about how most people are only trying to survive, while entrepreneurs should be motived by a desire to achieve.
Similarly, our emotional reality can easily be driven by fear, by a need to survive, and to keep our psyche intact. I am forced to ask- what would it mean to be driven by achievement rather than survival in one's emotional constitution? What is the ideal one can strive for, as one decides whether to smile or frown?
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